Favorite Jokes

[Mor Paul]

So, what are some of your favorite jokes? Low-taste ones are fine with me, and if you don't think they're suitable for the forum, PM them to me  :laughing7:

So, a baby seal walks into a club...

Ever had Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.

What's the difference between a bench and a teacher?
A bench can support a family!

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.

And one I stole from Hannah's husband...

So, a cloud of helium floats into a bar.
The bartender says "I'm sorry, we do not serve noble gases here."
The helium doesn't react.

 

[Zibob]

I love that last one.

Whats red and bad for you're teeth?
A Brick.

A long one... so to speak.

Why we should not flirt:

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress

Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her

husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,

protested, but she argued and said she was going to take

some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time

to be spoiled by her not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping

soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,

decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,

she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how

he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his

costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice

'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in

her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and

made hot passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at

midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and

was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're

not there' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I

got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into

the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing

poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the

husband replied,

'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad

.... apparently he had the time of his life.

 

[reinhold]

How do you make a plumber cry?

You kill his entire family...

 

[elfro89]

*sick warning*
What's 13 inches long and makes woman scream all night long? cot death.

 

[AutoBat]

i had to google that punchline elfro.  nobody calls it that anymore.

 

[elfro89]

i had to google that punchline elfro.  nobody calls it that anymore.

Wrong.  :icon_jokercolor:

 

[Velcro]

This is more of a pun, The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.

The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy.

The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

[whitebison66]

I remember seeing this on HBO in 1983, and its been one of my favorites ever since.

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01erg_fso0Y[/youtube]

 

[Telenator]

Guitar player asks drummer, "So, what made you decide to give up music and take up drums?"  :laughing11:

 

[Jusatele]

ouch

 

[hannaugh]

Pretty much anything Mitch Hedberg ever said is my favorite joke:

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes.  I said "You have to wait."

I went to the store to buy a candleholder, but they didn't have one, so I got a cake.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being choked by a really weak guy... all day!  You wear a backpack and it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Other than Mitch:

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  Two.  One to hold the lightbulb, and one to hold my (intimate body part of your choice)... uhh, I mean my mother... oh, nevermind...

This one you have to remember/know who Lorena Bobbit is, but it's funny if you do:  Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died?  She was killed in a car crash.  Some dick cut her off.

 

[mayfly]

Did you hear about the guitar player who locked his keys in the car?  Took him half an hour to get the drummer out.

How do you make an electric guitar player play quieter?  Put sheet music in front of him.

How do you know that the stage is level?  Drool comes out of both sides of the banjo player's mouth.

How do you know when a singer is knocking on your door?  He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

and the final one.....

A guitar player shows up at rehearsal to find the bass player chasing the drummer around the room.  On asking what the heck was going on, the bass player replies "He turned one of my tuning keys... and he won't tell me which one!!"

 

[bbl4ck]

Pretty much anything Mitch Hedberg ever said is my favorite joke:

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes.  I said "You have to wait."

I went to the store to buy a candleholder, but they didn't have one, so I got a cake.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being choked by a really weak guy... all day!  You wear a backpack and it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Other than Mitch:

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  Two.  One to hold the lightbulb, and one to hold my (intimate body part of your choice)... uhh, I mean my mother... oh, nevermind...

This one you have to remember/know who Lorena Bobbit is, but it's funny if you do:  Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died?  She was killed in a car crash.  Some dick cut her off.

Thank you for reminding us about Mitch; RIP
He is one of my all time favorite comedians.  His presentation just floors me.
I just got done watching every Mitch video I could find on YouTube.  Still rolling on the floor...

So, I got a parrot, and he could talk.
But, he did not say, I am hungry; so he died...

Thanks Mitch

 

[pabloman]

What do you do when your wife's watch breaks?
Nothing there's a clock on the stove.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard. arty07:

 

[elfro89]

*sick warning*
What's 13 inches long and makes woman scream all night long? cot death.

When I read *sick warning* I thought it was going to be "The Aristocrats." Nope, just another SIDS/dead baby joke.

Sure but I would hate to feel like an boom-boom if that actually happened to someone on this forum 

 

[Mor Paul]

*sick warning*
What's 13 inches long and makes woman scream all night long? cot death.

When I read *sick warning* I thought it was going to be "The Aristocrats." Nope, just another SIDS/dead baby joke.

Sure but I would hate to feel like an ass if that actually happened to someone on this forum 

Like to my mom?
I laughed anyways. Maybe I'm a horrible person.  :laughing7:

 

[pabloman]

It sucks when cruel jokes hit home. Being able to take it just as a joke is a great quality to posess. Max is definately wise beyond his years. BTW I refuse to play the lotto anymore :headbang1:

 

[Mor Paul]

I joke about myself all the time. Self-depreciating humor is fun.

 

[hannaugh]

Self-defacating humor on the other hand... well, that's just gross.

 

[-CB-]

Little Johnny's teacher tells all the 3rd grade class to go home and ask their parents for a story with a moral, and be prepared to tell the story the next day.

The next day, all the kids come in, and one by one they tell their stories with morals about "a bird in the hand" and "a penny saved" and "a stitch in time" etc.

Finally the only one left to tell his story is little Johnny, so they teacher asks him to begin.

Johnny says... "I asked my Dad about the story, and he said to tell about my mom who was a chopper pilot in Desert Storm.  She got shot down!"

The teacher is amazed and asked him to continue

"She had nothing but a flask of whiskey, her pistol and a big knife when she bailed out.  She drank the whiskey on the way down in case the flask broke, but she landed in the middle of some Iraqi soldiers...."

The teach asked what his mother did next.

".... so she took out her pistol and shot fifteen Iraqi's, then used her knife to kill four more, and she killed the last one with her bare hands!"

"Johnny, thats an pretty outstanding story, but whats the moral?" the teacher asked.

"Well my Dad says, dont mess with mamma when she's been drinkin!"