rockandroller
Senior Member
- Messages
- 237
SPACE CITY, TX – (April 12, 2025) – In a move that has left astrophysicists scratching their heads and budget analysts weeping openly, aerospace behemoth AeroChord Dynamics today unveiled "Project Power Chord," an audacious multi-billion-dollar initiative to transport an estimated 750 million "air guitars" to the Martian surface.
The plan, spearheaded by AeroChord's notoriously eccentric founder and CEO, Rex Nebula, aims to "pre-emptively seed Martian culture with the foundational elements of terrestrial rock 'n' roll," according to a glossy press release bafflingly printed on holographic foil.
"Imagine the first Martian colonists," Nebula elaborated via a shaky satellite link from his private orbital yacht, the 'Stardust Drifter.' "They'll face challenges untold. Loneliness. Isolation. Red dust getting everywhere. What better way to blow off steam and connect with their Terran heritage than by grabbing an invisible axe and shredding some classic riffs? We're not just sending equipment; we're sending potential."
The logistics, however, are proving as ethereal as the cargo itself. Project Power Chord involves modifying several Starchild Heavy launch vehicles – rockets typically reserved for deploying large satellites or deep-space probes – to carry specially designed "Zero-Mass Instrument Containment Units" (ZMICUs). Sources inside AeroChord, speaking on condition of anonymity due to the sheer weirdness of it all, describe these units as large, heavily insulated, pressurised containers... that are completely empty.
"Each ZMICU is certified to hold approximately 50,000 individual air guitars," explained Dr. Philomena Clef, AeroChord's newly appointed (and visibly bewildered) Head of Intangible Asset Transport. "We've developed sophisticated cataloguing software to assign unique serial numbers and 'genre potential metrics' – ranging from 'Bluesy Bend' to 'Thrash Metal Mayhem' – to each designated space within the containers. It's crucial these invisible instruments arrive untangled and emotionally 'in tune'."
The projected cost, estimated at upwards of $85 billion over the next decade, has drawn immediate and ferocious criticism.
"It's madness! Utter, unadulterated, expensively packaged madness!" exclaimed Brenda Factor, spokesperson for the taxpayer watchdog group Citizens Against Needless Space Stuff (CANSS). "We're talking about dedicating irreplaceable heavy-lift launch capacity, fuel resources equivalent to powering a small nation for a year, and squadrons of highly trained engineers to ship... nothing! Absolutely nothing! Think of the actual scientific instruments, the habitats, the water we could be sending!"
Rival aerospace tycoon Bjorn Stellar, CEO of competing firm 'Warp Speed Industries,' was equally scathing. "Nebula's finally lost it," Stellar tweeted from his verified account. "My rockets deliver payloads. You know, things with mass? Atoms? This is performance art masquerading as space exploration. If the Martians need entertainment, send them a rover with a Spotify subscription, for cosmic sake."
AeroChord representatives have defended the project, citing complex psychological modeling. "Our studies indicate that the knowledge that 750 million performance-ready air guitars are available on Mars will significantly boost colonist morale, even if they never physically interact with the designated empty space," stated Dr. Clef, reading carefully from a prepared statement. "It's about establishing a 'vibe.' A rock 'n' roll resonance field, if you will."
Further controversy erupted over the selection process for the "models" of air guitars being shipped. Leaked documents suggest heated internal debates occurred over the optimal ratio of invisible Stratocasters to phantom Flying V's, with one memo detailing a fierce argument about whether to include a batch of "air basses" (ultimately deemed "too rhythmically foundational" for the initial seeding phase).
The Musicians' Guild for Air Performers (MGAP) has cautiously welcomed the news, while simultaneously raising concerns about potential Martian copyright infringement. "While we applaud the ambition," stated MGAP President Windy Fingers, "we must ensure that any eventual Martian air guitar solos properly credit the terrestrial inspiration. We are exploring options for interplanetary royalty collection."
Despite the galactic levels of ridicule and concern, AeroChord insists Project Power Chord is moving forward. The first launch, tentatively codenamed "Stairway to Heaven forbid," is scheduled for late 2027. Preparations involve meticulous calibration of the ZMICUs' internal emptiness sensors and training ground crews in the delicate art of handling containers filled with precisely calibrated void.
As humanity looks towards the Red Planet, the question is no longer just can we get there, but apparently, what intangible concepts should we ship ahead? For Rex Nebula and AeroChord Dynamics, the answer, it seems, is blowing in the solar wind – silently, invisibly, and ready to rock. Whether future Martians will agree, or simply wonder why there are so many large, empty boxes scattered across their planet, remains to be seen.
The plan, spearheaded by AeroChord's notoriously eccentric founder and CEO, Rex Nebula, aims to "pre-emptively seed Martian culture with the foundational elements of terrestrial rock 'n' roll," according to a glossy press release bafflingly printed on holographic foil.
"Imagine the first Martian colonists," Nebula elaborated via a shaky satellite link from his private orbital yacht, the 'Stardust Drifter.' "They'll face challenges untold. Loneliness. Isolation. Red dust getting everywhere. What better way to blow off steam and connect with their Terran heritage than by grabbing an invisible axe and shredding some classic riffs? We're not just sending equipment; we're sending potential."
The logistics, however, are proving as ethereal as the cargo itself. Project Power Chord involves modifying several Starchild Heavy launch vehicles – rockets typically reserved for deploying large satellites or deep-space probes – to carry specially designed "Zero-Mass Instrument Containment Units" (ZMICUs). Sources inside AeroChord, speaking on condition of anonymity due to the sheer weirdness of it all, describe these units as large, heavily insulated, pressurised containers... that are completely empty.
"Each ZMICU is certified to hold approximately 50,000 individual air guitars," explained Dr. Philomena Clef, AeroChord's newly appointed (and visibly bewildered) Head of Intangible Asset Transport. "We've developed sophisticated cataloguing software to assign unique serial numbers and 'genre potential metrics' – ranging from 'Bluesy Bend' to 'Thrash Metal Mayhem' – to each designated space within the containers. It's crucial these invisible instruments arrive untangled and emotionally 'in tune'."
The projected cost, estimated at upwards of $85 billion over the next decade, has drawn immediate and ferocious criticism.
"It's madness! Utter, unadulterated, expensively packaged madness!" exclaimed Brenda Factor, spokesperson for the taxpayer watchdog group Citizens Against Needless Space Stuff (CANSS). "We're talking about dedicating irreplaceable heavy-lift launch capacity, fuel resources equivalent to powering a small nation for a year, and squadrons of highly trained engineers to ship... nothing! Absolutely nothing! Think of the actual scientific instruments, the habitats, the water we could be sending!"
Rival aerospace tycoon Bjorn Stellar, CEO of competing firm 'Warp Speed Industries,' was equally scathing. "Nebula's finally lost it," Stellar tweeted from his verified account. "My rockets deliver payloads. You know, things with mass? Atoms? This is performance art masquerading as space exploration. If the Martians need entertainment, send them a rover with a Spotify subscription, for cosmic sake."
AeroChord representatives have defended the project, citing complex psychological modeling. "Our studies indicate that the knowledge that 750 million performance-ready air guitars are available on Mars will significantly boost colonist morale, even if they never physically interact with the designated empty space," stated Dr. Clef, reading carefully from a prepared statement. "It's about establishing a 'vibe.' A rock 'n' roll resonance field, if you will."
Further controversy erupted over the selection process for the "models" of air guitars being shipped. Leaked documents suggest heated internal debates occurred over the optimal ratio of invisible Stratocasters to phantom Flying V's, with one memo detailing a fierce argument about whether to include a batch of "air basses" (ultimately deemed "too rhythmically foundational" for the initial seeding phase).
The Musicians' Guild for Air Performers (MGAP) has cautiously welcomed the news, while simultaneously raising concerns about potential Martian copyright infringement. "While we applaud the ambition," stated MGAP President Windy Fingers, "we must ensure that any eventual Martian air guitar solos properly credit the terrestrial inspiration. We are exploring options for interplanetary royalty collection."
Despite the galactic levels of ridicule and concern, AeroChord insists Project Power Chord is moving forward. The first launch, tentatively codenamed "Stairway to Heaven forbid," is scheduled for late 2027. Preparations involve meticulous calibration of the ZMICUs' internal emptiness sensors and training ground crews in the delicate art of handling containers filled with precisely calibrated void.
As humanity looks towards the Red Planet, the question is no longer just can we get there, but apparently, what intangible concepts should we ship ahead? For Rex Nebula and AeroChord Dynamics, the answer, it seems, is blowing in the solar wind – silently, invisibly, and ready to rock. Whether future Martians will agree, or simply wonder why there are so many large, empty boxes scattered across their planet, remains to be seen.
It almost IS: I instructed Gemini 2.5 to write a "parody news story about millions of air guitars being delivered to the surface of Mars, 500-1000 words" and that surprisingly amusing little blurb is exactly what it spit out. Then I wrote a short prompt in NightCafe to generate the accompanying illustration, which turned out usable on the 2nd take... I guess they have been training Gemini on The Onion, mostly 
