Help me out?

[alterbridgefan]

I'm on the edge of a great relationship. Why is that bad?

The partner is my "gay best friend".

I don't want to be gay. I never have. I've made a commitment to God in my life, and I have never felt anything for a man before now. Thing is, as much as I love my friend, I can't accept the idea of gay sex. I would never be able to sexually please this guy in any way, it's just beyond me. I could hold him, kiss him, spend as much time with him as we wanted, but I could never please him sexually. I haven't talked to anyone about this.

Honestly, I'm not gay. Boobs are great. Vagina? Yum. Penis? No. If he got a sex change, I could do it, but I could never ask anyone to do that for me. And no one is willing to accept this. I love ladies... But everyone I know has decided that I'm gay, and dating chicks is just my attempt to please others with my choices. But that's not it...

I don't know. I guess I just need to talk it out. Help?

 

[anorakDan]

Okay, not really the forum for this issue, but you sound sincerely troubled.

I'm on the edge of a great relationship. Why is that bad?

The partner is my "gay best friend".

I don't want to be gay. I never have. I've made a commitment to God in my life, and I have never felt anything for a man before now. Thing is, as much as I love my friend, I can't accept the idea of gay sex. I would never be able to sexually please this guy in any way, it's just beyond me. I could hold him, kiss him, spend as much time with him as we wanted, but I could never please him sexually. I haven't talked to anyone about this.

Honestly, I'm not gay. ... But everyone I know has decided that I'm gay, and dating chicks is just my attempt to please others with my choices. But that's not it...

I don't know. I guess I just need to talk it out. Help?

1. You don't want to be gay? Don't. Simple as that. You don't have to be or do anything you don't want to.

2. Where is it written that love and sex are inseperably linked? It's possible to love (or even like) someone without taking your relationship to that level. It's also possible to have a sexual relationship without love. It happens all the time, all over the world.

3. You say everyone you know has already decided your sexuality for you? Why are you allowing them to do that? You need to find out who you are. No one should be able to make that decision for you. Don't let them. That's your job.

4. I really don't think God cares who you love. I would like to think that God would rather that you love. Love unconditionally. Love recklessly, without restraint or constraint. This does not mean that you should be foolishly promiscuous. Be wise in your physical love, but in your everyday outlook to everyone, love as if it's your last day.

5. If your "gay friend" is really your friend, he'll be cool with whatever you decide. I have some gay friends. No gay man or woman is interested in someone who is not gay. They're not interested in recruiting or changing anyone to their side. They are interested in helping people who are struggling with issues like these. They are interested in ending prejudice and violence, especially when it involves other members of the LGBT community.

My advice. Play some guitar and search your feelings. Become yourself. Let no one define you. When you've reached a decision, tell your friends. In the end, no one who matters really cares if your gay, bi, straight or celibate. It's just not that important to who you are.

And one more thing; PLAY MORE GUITAR! :guitarplayer2:

 

[Cagey]

There's nothing wrong with having a "gay best friend". In my experience, they're some of the most understanding and emotive people extant. When I was in high school, several of my best friends were gay. Didn't bother me, and doesn't to this day. I couldn't care less. To me, it's like Larry prefers asparagus, Curly likes lamb and Moe likes big tits. Myself, I'm a leg man, and they should be smooth and attached to females. They can have what they want, I don't care. Meant nothing, as long as we shared other interests.

When you're 14, even the crack of dawn isn't safe, but you're generally frustrated by a lack of access. You're so damn non-stop horny, you start to wonder what you could get away with regarding your dog, who clearly loves you very much.

Just so you know, I never had a dog.

All I can counsel is patience. Your time will come. The girls are going through similar throes of maturation, and at some point one will trust you enough to share some new experiences. Of course, then you'll fall in love, and learn what real pain is all about.

 

[Jumble Jumble]

Yeah, that feeling when you see a girl who's just incredible? Feels like being punched in the gut. Ever had that about a guy? Because that's what it means to be gay. Not, "oh I think maybe it could work" or whatever.

Of course, there's a lot of pressure on you to be masculine, and maybe you're realising that actually "friendship" doesn't go far enough in describing how you feel about this guy - "love" is a better word. But maybe it's a family-type love, not a romantic or sexual feeling. But it's kind of frowned upon to say to another man "I love you" or similar, frowned upon by that type of man who talks about guns, cars and tits constantly and definitely never ever feels scared or insecure about anything no sir.

Plus you're just about to hit 15 right? Worst time of my life, hormone wise. Just try and get through it. Things are better the other side.

 

[alterbridgefan]

Yeah, that feeling when you see a girl who's just incredible? Feels like being punched in the gut. Ever had that about a guy? Because that's what it means to be gay. Not, "oh I think maybe it could work" or whatever.

Yep... That's what scares me. This guy is amazing. I've always been able to sympathize with girls over hot guys(Which already put me in "the closet"), but never been strongly attracted to a guy based on appearance. Does that answer your question?

Of course, there's a lot of pressure on you to be masculine.

Quite the opposite in fact. I've been dating chicks for over a year now, and I've still managed to become everyone's "gay best friend". I've always been feminine. I wear small amounts of makeup and can appreciate when a guy is attractive. I dress very colorfully when I get the opportunities... But that puts me in "the gay box", and girls think I only date them because I'm in denial of being gay..

Plus you're just about to hit 15 right? Worst time of my life, hormone wise. Just try and get through it. Things are better the other side.

15 in December. Ready to be 5 again, please.

:blob7:

 

[Jumble Jumble]

I can see why you'd be scared. Sadly, we don't yet live in a world where being gay is no more scary than being straight. For a start, you'd have to "come out". Straight people don't have to do that. I seem to remember you live in Texas or something - again, not great. Move to California, or London.

But, importantly, just because pigeonholes exist doesn't mean you have to put yourself in one. Other people can try, but you don't need to identify yourself with a list of categories into which you fit. Eddie Izzard's a good example, he does a bit of cross-dressing but he's straight, and his phrase for how he felt was "the male equivalent of a tomboy".

Basically, although it's difficult, just try not to worry about it, and do what makes you happy. The one thing I would say is to remember, if you're hesitating over whether to start anything with your friend (and I know you probably already know this) is that you could really hurt him. The risks aren't just to you. If he wants it, and then you decide to "try it" and then you don't like it, then depending on how he feels, you could really break his heart. So just keep that in mind.

Personally I've always thought, well, I've got no reason to believe I couldn't fall in love with a guy, it's just never happened. Who knows, maybe there's a guy exists who I would just want to be with. As I get older it looks less likely. And now even if I did meet him, nothing would happen - I'm happily married.

The fact that you'd be OK with kissing him definitely means something. And the fact you mention God too, and "I don't want to be gay". It seems more like the reason you couldn't do the sex thing is a psychological block you've put in place against those feelings, rather than disinterest.

Have you talked to your friend about how you feel? Would he maybe be prepared to enter into a relationship where kissing is as far as it goes? Because you're 14. Kissing should absolutely be as far as it goes no matter who you're with, male or female. You're below the age of consent. You seem sensible - keep it that way. If he won't give you a safe environment to explore these feelings then it's not worth getting into anyway.

 

[bagman67]

I have to echo pretty much everything Jumble and Cagey said.


Being young is very hard.  I don't envy you.


I most particularly agree with Jumble's reminder that there are two of you in this precarious situation.  It is important to consider how whatever you choose to do will affect your potential partner, who by your account is certain he is gay, and has made his heart known.


The other thing you should keep in mind is that if you are a Christian who believes in God's love for you, He will not love you less because of your genuine earthly love for another.  The God who made you capable of love cannot have meant for you to withhold that love, or find shame in it.

 

[line6man]

ಠ_ಠ, there are some great LGBT forums out there for questioning youth. I know of one that allow anonymous posting, if you're interested.

No gay man or woman is interested in someone who is not gay. They're not interested in recruiting or changing anyone to their side.

As this isn't really the place for it, I won't go into too much detail, but this is not strictly true. You would be surprised how many gay men are almost exclusively attracted to straight men. For some, it's a psychological thing, related to the feeling of power and dominance, in being able to get straight men to do *things* for them.

 

[Cagey]

What you're describing are essentially rapists. Perhaps not intrinsically violent to the point of acting on the urge, but having it in the first place. That's not unique to homosexuals. I have known a LOT of homosexuals of both genders over the years, and by the numbers that attitude is essentially non-existent. I've seen it in heteros more often. I have seen openly aggressive types, but they're just trolling like anybody does who's interested in a casual connection. But, that doesn't mean they're in attack mode, any more than it does in heteros. It just means they're insensitive ass holes.

 

[line6man]

What you're describing are essentially rapists. Perhaps not intrinsically violent to the point of acting on the urge, but having it in the first place. That's not unique to homosexuals. I have known a LOT of homosexuals of both genders over the years, and by the numbers that attitude is essentially non-existent. I've seen it in heteros more often. I have seen openly aggressive types, but they're just trolling like anybody does who's interested in a casual connection. But, that doesn't mean they're in attack mode, any more than it does in heteros. It just means they're insensitive ass holes.

I've actually met a guy that suggested I get someone drunk and rape them. It was weird, to say the least. :sad:
But I'm not talking about rapists. Just that a lot of guys like to go to clubs and get drunken straight guys to come home with them.

 

[Cagey]

I suspect you were being hit on, rather than being encouraged to be vicious. The desired response would have been something along the lines of "why do that when I'm available?"

 

[Dan025]

not the conversation i expected when i opened this thread.

i had a military friend that was likely bi. he used to work in a gay bar and many people took him for being gay but he definitely liked women and got a few of them, even a pilots wife who introduced him to her husband as her gay friend so he wouldn't suspect they were sleeping together while my other friend was dating their teenage highschool daughter who knew everything because the mom took her out to pick up guys (it could have been a soap opera but i can't make this stuff up)...... anyway i have never had attraction to a man physically or emotionally so i don't know what you are going through specifically but i know what it's like ot feel outcast as a highschool kid...

i was diagnosed with aspergers as a teen and had few friends because i couldn't make connection. my normal behaviors are not what people expect and i think they get confused. i know what it's like to long for a connection more than anyone. you say you love your friend but is it emotional attraction? or does he just connect to you in a way that others don't? when you are young feelings can be overwhelming and might not be quite what you believe them to be. everyone at a young age thinks they are in love. but when you get into your mid or late 20's you might find out you didn't even know what love meant at your age. you might just need time to figure things out. it may even be meta physical with all the hormones in our meat, and the genoestrogens in soy and various deficiencies that can cause axiety. i found that age helped me understand my feeling better but i always had dietary problems that doctors aren't trained to identify. i had stiff muscles which could be low magnesium, white spots on my nails that meant low zinc and bad reactions to tomatoes and maybe other nightshade veggies as well as beef, dairy and to a lesser extent, pork.... when i took beef and dairy out of my diet and limited tomatoes my deficiencies went away. it wasn't poor nutrition but poor absorption due to intolerance of some foods. what i also noticed was less anxiety and less tension. so while age helped me understand my emotions, the emotions were also exaggerated by physical problems and if you ever watch "supersize me" you'll see how an intoerance to a diet can cause depression and all kinds of emotional side effects.

i'm a catholic, i'm not gay but i was taught to hate sin, not sinners.. .there is a difference. we all sin, one is not really worse than the other (arguable, but what's the point in drawing lines? the whole point is not to judge, that's for god.). hate sin in yourself as much as others but not the individual. i'm not going to argue about what is and isn't sin... you decide that for yourself...

i guess what i'm saying is it's normal to be confused. it's normal to feel outcast. it's normal to not be accepted and it's normal for your peers to snicker and make assumptions. dont question your friendship or sexuality because you trust a gay guy. but make sure he's clear on the relationship as well.

 

[m4rk0]

I think everybody could be bi if they had an open mind..
Just be yourself!

 

[Steve_Karl]

Well ... If you know you're not gay then that's the bottom line.
Be true to yourself and forget what others think.

How you "appear" to others and even how you dress or present yourself is not sexual preference,
however, as you've stated, it has an effect on how others see you, and will weed out the girls that
are traditional in their expectations, and attract men that might think they have a chance.

Friends are great in any form. I think you need to be totally honest with your male friend, if you haven't already.

As for the girls, I think you're sitting on a gold mine in the hills of Virginia, if you want to work it that way,
but more seriously, just being honest with everyone makes things get a lot easier.

Honesty, with yourself first, and then with everyone else, is great in that is it very freeing.

 

[Cagey]

Honesty, with yourself first, and then with everyone else, is great in that is it very freeing.

Exactly so. Maintaining any kind of facade is a lot of work that you don't need to do, and is very tiring.

 

[alterbridgefan]

Thanks guys. I went on a date tonight, with a female. I think I liked it. :cool01: