This site notalwaysright.com is freaking hysterical. It's all just funny stories about stupid customers. Here are a few jems:
DE TING, DE TING!!!
Tech Support | Oregon, USA
(I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.)
Me: “Thanks for calling ***** tech support.
(The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)
Me: “Great! What can I do for you?”
Her: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”
Me: “So…it’s blue, and blue…on the thing?”
Her: “Yes.”
Me: “Where is it blue?”
Her: “On de ting.”
Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the Computer screen or your camera?”
Her: “Yes…de ting.”
Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”
Her: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”
Me: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”
Her: “Yes.”
Me: “Yes…which one?”
Her: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”
Her: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”
Me: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak english very very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”
Her: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”
(This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows
PROBLEM: VIDEO IS BLUE AND BLUE ON THE THING
SOLUTION: NONE AT THIS TIME
TROUBLESHOOTING:
>(TECH SUPPORT)IS THE THING BLUE? TRY REINSTALLING THE THING
>(TECH SUPPORT) THING REINSTALLED. STILL BLUE
>(ENGINEER) CANNOT RECREATE THING IN LAB.
>(ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RECREATED. THING RED.
(And so on and so on…)
Barely Scratched The Surface
Grocery Store | Paxton, IL, USA
Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”
Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”
Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”
Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”
Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”
Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”
Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”
Bad Reception, Worse Misperceptions
Call Center | Rochester, NY, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you today?”
Customer: *thick accent* “I have problem with cell phone.”
Me: “Okay, sir, I’m sure I can help you with that. It looks like we’re going to have to re-set your connection. I need you to type in the following series of numbers, followed by the pound key.”
(I hear a distinct whacking sound in the background.)
Me: “Sir? What are you doing?”
Customer: “You say pound phone. I pound on table. Pieces fly off!”
So She Thinks She Can Dance
Movie Theater | Washington, USA
(A little old lady approaches me and a new employee while we’re standing in the movie theater lobby.)
Customer: *dances*
Me: “That’s nice, ma’am.”
Customer: *continues dancing*
Me: “Um…I don’t know how to respond to that.”
Customer: *continues dancing*
Me: “I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to respond.”
Customer: “You could say ‘You’re a great dancer!’” *walks toward the
concession stand*
New guy: “Does that happen often?”
Me: “No. Believe it or not, that’s actually a new one.”
Viva(cious), Las Vegas
Music Shop | Houston, TX, USA
(I work in a guitar shop that caters to vintage and collectible guitars. A man comes in with three guitars claiming they are all either rare or owned by famous musicians.)
Customer: “This guitar was owned by John Lennon and used on his last album!”
Me: “Which one?”
Customer: “The one he made in ‘85.”
Me: “Lennon died before then. What else you got?”
Customer: “Well, this one was played by Elvis!”
(This seems almost plausible. The guitar is of a vintage that I knew could have been from that era.)
Me: “Well, let me run the serial number…” *I run the serial* “Sir, this guitar was made in 1987.”
Customer: “BUT ELVIS PLAYED IT!”
Me: “How did a dead man play it?”
Customer: “What? Elvis isn’t dead! I bought it from him in Las Vegas!”
DE TING, DE TING!!!
Tech Support | Oregon, USA
(I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.)
Me: “Thanks for calling ***** tech support.
(The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)
Me: “Great! What can I do for you?”
Her: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”
Me: “So…it’s blue, and blue…on the thing?”
Her: “Yes.”
Me: “Where is it blue?”
Her: “On de ting.”
Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the Computer screen or your camera?”
Her: “Yes…de ting.”
Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”
Her: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”
Me: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”
Her: “Yes.”
Me: “Yes…which one?”
Her: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”
Her: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”
Me: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak english very very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”
Her: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”
(This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows
PROBLEM: VIDEO IS BLUE AND BLUE ON THE THING
SOLUTION: NONE AT THIS TIME
TROUBLESHOOTING:
>(TECH SUPPORT)IS THE THING BLUE? TRY REINSTALLING THE THING
>(TECH SUPPORT) THING REINSTALLED. STILL BLUE
>(ENGINEER) CANNOT RECREATE THING IN LAB.
>(ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RECREATED. THING RED.
(And so on and so on…)
Barely Scratched The Surface
Grocery Store | Paxton, IL, USA
Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”
Me: “Yes ma’am. What can I do for you?”
Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”
Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tellme what you are going to use it for?”
Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”
Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”
Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”
Bad Reception, Worse Misperceptions
Call Center | Rochester, NY, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you today?”
Customer: *thick accent* “I have problem with cell phone.”
Me: “Okay, sir, I’m sure I can help you with that. It looks like we’re going to have to re-set your connection. I need you to type in the following series of numbers, followed by the pound key.”
(I hear a distinct whacking sound in the background.)
Me: “Sir? What are you doing?”
Customer: “You say pound phone. I pound on table. Pieces fly off!”
So She Thinks She Can Dance
Movie Theater | Washington, USA
(A little old lady approaches me and a new employee while we’re standing in the movie theater lobby.)
Customer: *dances*
Me: “That’s nice, ma’am.”
Customer: *continues dancing*
Me: “Um…I don’t know how to respond to that.”
Customer: *continues dancing*
Me: “I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to respond.”
Customer: “You could say ‘You’re a great dancer!’” *walks toward the
concession stand*
New guy: “Does that happen often?”
Me: “No. Believe it or not, that’s actually a new one.”
Viva(cious), Las Vegas
Music Shop | Houston, TX, USA
(I work in a guitar shop that caters to vintage and collectible guitars. A man comes in with three guitars claiming they are all either rare or owned by famous musicians.)
Customer: “This guitar was owned by John Lennon and used on his last album!”
Me: “Which one?”
Customer: “The one he made in ‘85.”
Me: “Lennon died before then. What else you got?”
Customer: “Well, this one was played by Elvis!”
(This seems almost plausible. The guitar is of a vintage that I knew could have been from that era.)
Me: “Well, let me run the serial number…” *I run the serial* “Sir, this guitar was made in 1987.”
Customer: “BUT ELVIS PLAYED IT!”
Me: “How did a dead man play it?”
Customer: “What? Elvis isn’t dead! I bought it from him in Las Vegas!”
